A divorce mediator is a person both you and your spouse hire to guide your negotiation. It’s one way to get a divorce without an attorney. A divorce mediator is typically someone who is familiar with family law in your state or province – often a practicing family lawyer.
Why hire a divorce mediator?
There are 4 excellent reasons for hiring a divorce mediator:
1. Information
They are knowledgeable about family law and so can explain to you what a court could well decide.
2. Save money
you hire them for one or a few sessions to hammer out a deal. This amounts to paying for 4 to 20 hours of their time. Maybe more, depending on the issues involved and how far apart you are.
However, even at 20 hours the cost for a mediator is far cheaper than both of you hiring a lawyer and battling it out in the courts. Legal fees for one divorce lawyer, if it goes through a full 1 week trial can amount to more than $100,000. If both of you hire a lawyer, that’s pretty much your entire house going to the lawyers.
3. Speedy resolution
You and your spouse can negotiate the terms quickly and get an agreement completed in a matter of weeks. When you take your divorce through the courts and it goes to trial, your case can drag on for years.
4. You’re in control
If your divorce case goes to a trial, you lose control of the outcome. Going to court means handing the entire decision-making to a judge. When you mediate, you control whether you agree to the terms.
5. Kept private
If you go to court, your divorce becomes a public matter. When you mediate, it remains between you and your spouse.
How to hire a divorce mediator
You and your spouse must agree on a mediator if you decide to get a divorce without an attorney. You can ask people you know and consult / interview a number of mediators until you both agree on a person. Decide up front whether you want someone who is a practicing lawyer. Some jurisdictions don’t require that divorce mediators be lawyers.
Every mediator has their own style. Two main approaches are (1) proactive, and (2) liaison-style.
A proactive mediator will go so far as to propose terms and explain how it’s similar to what a court will decide and how the law supports the terms.
A liaison-style mediator will be more like a guide in the negotiation; more as a liaison and try to get you and your spouse to arrive to agreeable terms on your own.
Decide up front what style you think will be more effective for you. Keep in mind that mediators can approach a mediation in a number of ways – so you can ask that they be proactive or be more of a passive guide.
That said, many jurisdictions now require all people who hold themselves out as family mediators to have completed some mediation courses. Feel free to inquire about a person’s qualifications and experience. Even ask for references – i.e. past clients.
Who you hire is a big decision because there can be a lot involved. Divorce is a big step and big decisions are made. Be sure you are comfortable with your selection. However, there’s no rule against you and your spouse trying a new mediator if you make a bad choice.
The mediation process
Once you hire your mediator in order to get a divorce without a lawyer, you’ll schedule a single visit or a series of visits. The person you hire is not going to take sides. Their job is to simply smooth out negotiations between the two of you.
1. Your mediator will start out gathering information about your circumstances. Try not get into the blame game. Instead, explain rationally as possible your circumstances so your hired mediator understands the facts and then can give you guidance.
2. Once the facts are known, depending on the style, the mediator will then explain the issues in legal terms – i.e. child support, property division, alimony, and so on.
3. A mediator may then cut to the heart of the matter and propose terms or work on guiding you and your spouse to coming to agreement on your own. Generally, the mediator will explore solutions based on what you and your spouse reported.
4. Once you both agree to the terms, is reached, the mediator can get the paperwork (i.e. an agreement) together for you both to sign. A signed agreement ends the relationship. Whether they can assist you with the divorce paperwork depends on the jurisdiction. You can of course ask if you don’t wish to do your own divorce.
It’s important you understand that if your matter does not resolve, the mediator, if a lawyer, cannot represent either of you. You will then need to each hire your own lawyer, unless you can resolve the terms of your divorce.
There is risk involved
The one risk when going through mediation is if you don’t resolve your matters, then you spent money on a mediator and will also have to spend money on a lawyer. That said, given the success rates (i.e. resolution rates of divorce mediators), it is well worth the risk if there’s a chance for resolution.
Hire a mediator at any stage
If you’re well into litigation and the costs are going through the roof, you can still try mediation. In fact many jurisdictions include mediation as a step in litigation. Maybe after going a few rounds with lawyers you and your spouse will have more luck negotiating an agreement.
Even after your divorce is final and you’re disagreeing with the agreement terms – perhaps there are visitation issues arising – rather than hiring expensive lawyers, hire a mediator to quickly and cheaply solve the issue.
When shouldn’t you go through mediation?
If there is absolutely no way you and your spouse can agree on anything, then perhaps a mediator is not the best course to take. Some times two people are so fundamentally opposed that no persuasion or negotiation will work. If that’s the case, then save your money for the divorce lawyers.
Most situations are negotiable and can be solved with a good mediator. If you simply can’t agree to the settlement terms on your own, think seriously about hiring a divorce mediator to quickly, privately, and relatively cheaply resolve your divorce without an attorney. Avoid making a bad situation worse by going court.